Shame
"To be human is to be infected with this phenomenon we call shame."
The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson
What is shame?
For many of us, shame is not something that we give much thought to, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t impacted by its power. However, once we learn the language of shame, and grow in identifying its nagging voice, we can start to see its lingering impact and cultivate a resilience in dealing with shame. The reality is, that we are all affected by the power of shame, and we don’t have to read very far in our Bibles to see how it has impacted the human experience.
The final picture we get of creation before the fall is a significant statement that sums up the shame-free experience which God intended us to live in: “Adam and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). But once sin entered into the human experience, the first thing that is mentioned about its impact on Adam and Eve is that shame pounced on them. We are told they sewed fig leaves together, covered themselves, and hid from God (Genesis 3:7-8).
This is what shame does. Shame is something you feel inside of you and yet it has social ramifications. It causes us to want to hide from others and from God, and to cover our sense of deficiency, inadequacy, and unworthiness. Before we go further, let’s define shame.
Shame is a sense we are not enough; a sense of deficiency, inferiority, inadequacy and unworthiness; a sense that you are
flawed and unworthy of acceptance.
Christian Psychiatrist, Curt Thompson says in his book The Soul of Shame, “to be human is to be infected with this phenomenon we call shame.” Have you ever battled a nagging thought or feeling that you are not ______ enough? The blank may be filled in a multitude of ways, but it has the same root—shame. It could be that you felt like you were not smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, charismatic enough, strong enough, funny enough, desirable enough, competent enough and the list could go on. This sense of not being enough is shame.
Where does it come from?
We gather this sense of shame in a couple of different ways. The propensity towards shame is inherited as a part of humanity, but it is also developed and fed over the course of our lives.
1. Shame is the result of our own fallenness.
There is no one who is more aware of our own sinful propensities than we are. We have the highlight reel of every time we have blown it in our minds and this can lead to a sense of shame.
2. Shame also comes to us through the fallenness of others.
We are wounded by the sin of others and those wounds can leave us with a sense that we are not enough. It could have been a sense you could never satisfy or measure up to someone’s expectations for you and so you developed a sense that you are not enough. It could be that you were betrayed by friends and were left with a sense of not feeling valuable. We could be victims of abuse that left us with a sense of shame. The list could go on of how the sins of others wound us, and bring with them a lingering sense of shame.
3. We live in a fallen world.
A sense of shame can be developed or reinforced simply by scrolling Instagram. We see a joyful photo with many of our friends that got together and we are not there. We scroll through the filtered and curated highlight reels of other people’s lives and compare it to our own ordinary lives, and the feeling of not being enough grows as we sit alone in our room.
What is the impact of shame?
Shame can impact almost every area of our lives. It can impact the way we approach work. For many of us, we have become perfectionists in our work because we have a sense that we have to prove our worth. Our shame says “we cannot mess up or even be average, or we will be exposed as not being enough.” So, we work hard trying to prove ourselves and work off our sense of shame. As BreneĢ Brown says, “when perfectionism is at the wheel, shame is in the passenger seat, and anxiety is in the back seat.”
Shame can impact our friendships. We think to ourselves “I value my friendship with them, more than they value their friendship with me.” There is a sense that we are perhaps not worthy of sustained friendship or not enough for others. Shame can also impact our walks with God. When shame is present, we have a hard time understanding and receiving grace. We feel like God’s basic posture towards us is one of disappointment, not love.
If shame has a superpower, it would be shape shifting, because it can work its way into any area of your life. Curt Thompson has an illustration called the “shame attendant” that speaks of how subtly shame can work its way into so many areas of our lives. Here is how he describes how the shame attendant can function in our lives:
“The shame attendant’s intention is not good, is not to care for you but rather to infuse verbal and nonverbal elements of judgment into every moment of your life. The word attendant at first may seem counterintuitive, as it usually applies to someone who has our best interest in mind. But, this is how shame works, a wolf disguised in sheep’s clothing. Hence, our shame attendant appears in language, feelings, sensations and images that may on the surface seem acceptable, common and normal, but its purpose is anything but being helpful. It lurks in the bedroom, your wardrobe and your bathroom (especially the ones with really big mirrors). When we wake up each morning our attendant greets us with the words “Wow, you really didn’t get enough sleep last night. What were you thinking?” You move to the bathroom to take a shower and you are reminded that you look like you put on more weight. You head out the door and your attendant whispers that the test you are about to take is going to go poorly because you are ill-prepared and wasted your time. ...And as the day goes on the attendant watches you, offering multiple opportunities to assimilate a story that tells you, in essence, that you are not enough, you do not have what it takes to be okay."
How do we tend to respond when we experience shame?
When we experience shame we tend to respond in one of two ways. We compensate for our sense of shame either by puffing up and trying to make ourselves bigger than we are, or by shrinking back and trying to make ourselves smaller than we are.
When we experience shame and puff up it can look a couple of different ways. We can puff up with pride and try to prove how great we are to overcome our sense of shame. We may puff up in anger towards others and respond with our shame by “saying there isn’t anything wrong with me, there is something wrong with others.”
When we experience shame and shrink back we internalize the sense of shame and rather than exploding in anger at others, we implode internally with self-contempt. In these moments we tend to withdraw from others and ghost people when they text. Like Adam and Eve did in the garden of Eden, we tend to hide. Shrinking back can lead to self-contempt, anxiety, and leave us feeling depressed.
Healthy ways to respond when we experience shame?
The first step to defeating shame is to name it. When we experience an impulse of shame—we need to recognize it for what it is. We say “this is shame”. I am experiencing shame. As Curt Thompson says “to name it is to tame it”. The beginning of breaking its power in our lives is to bring it out of the shadows and into the light and recognize that you are experiencing shame.
Secondly, what Brene Brown says we are to do when we experience shame is: “Don’t puff up, don’t shrink back, but stand your sacred ground.” Our sacred ground is the truth we find in Scripture about who we are “in Christ”. At the end of this resource, you will see a list of things that the Bible declares to be true about us as we are “in Christ.” It is a list of glorious truths! When we live in shame, to put it simply, we are living a lie. When we stand our sacred ground, we are letting Scripture flip the script of our lives—from one of shame to one of love, acceptance, and honor.
So, when we experience shame we need truth, truth of who we are in Christ. However, there is another key step we need to take when we face shame. We need to reach out to others. Shame seeks to separate you from others, so one of the keys to breaking its power is reaching out. Here is the problem. When you are riddled with shame, what you need the most is what you want to do the least. Don’t just send a text to someone—call someone, or better yet, get in the same room as someone and share with them the battle of shame that you are fighting.
There are times when the power of shame can be so powerful it seems like you are unable to absorb truth on your own. Michael John Cusick says, “Shame can be like a raincoat around the soul that keeps us from absorbing the living water of Jesus that makes us the beloved.” So, what do we need to do when we find this to be the case? We need to reach out to the community! We need to connect with people who embody the truth of Scripture. We need connection with others, and we need truth to break the power of shame. There is something powerful when we experience the truth of who we are in Christ, in community.
So, the next time you face shame head on (and you will), I want to encourage you to name it—“I am experiencing shame”. Then, turn to the truth of Scripture and let Scripture flip the script from shame that is based in lies, to one of honor that is based in truth. Finally, make sure you reach out to someone else who can speak the truth and embody the truth in the flesh. The way out of shame is not in isolation but in connection!
As we close, I want to remind you that Jesus was crucified naked, in shame. The cross was all about shaming the one being crucified. But, Hebrews 12:2 says that he “scorned the shame” of the cross, so that you could be saved and brought into God’s family. Jesus experienced the shame of the cross so that we could live in the honor of being a child of God!
By God’s grace and the Spirit’s power, let’s live in the honor of who we are in Christ and not let shame rule our lives!
Shame-defeating Scripture:
Ephesians 3:14-19
Romans 8:31-39
1 John 3:1
Other resources:
The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson
Surrender to Love by David Benner
Who I am In Christ by Neil Anderson
Questions:
- How are you tempted to fill in the blank of: I’m not _______ enough?
- What are areas in your life that you have experienced shame?
- How do you tend to respond when you experience shame?
- What are moments where you face a propensity to experience shame?
- Who will you reach out to when you experience shame?
